the goodbye letters (#4)

self-sabotage

/sɛlf/ and /ˈsabətɑːʒ/

noun

• the act of undermining a personal cause
• any underhanded interference with personal productivity and work
• the act or process of hampering or hurting ourselves
• the act of deliberately stopping ourselves from achieving success

Dear Self-Sabotage,

I’m a perfectionist. It’s a strength, and it’s a weakness. It’s a strength because it pushes me to excel, but it’s a weakness because if I weigh the chances of success, and decide that they are low, I tend to get stuck; or worse, I don’t even try.

You’re that inner voice that keeps telling me I should be working harder, and if I’m not, I’m already doomed. You’ve chained me to a work ethic that’s rooted in believing that I’m not doing enough because I myself am not enough. And so my efforts feel like I’m punching a wall.

I know some of your other lies, too: “No one will care about what you have to say!” and “It’s already been done – except better!” and the most severe, “You’re running out of time – your window of opportunity has already passed!” It’s the most defeating one because it kills hope; and well, “hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”.

I can barely think for all the lies you scream at me. And that’s your whole point isn’t it? To stop me from thinking, and therefore doing, and being.

I’m enormously talented. Yep – I said it! The opposite has been so ingrained in me for so long that it even feels like a lie to say this – but it’s true. And it’s for that reason –my talent, my drive, my opportunity to give to a world so in need of love and beauty – that I am parting ways with you.

The enemy within, making way for the strength to fight the enemy without.

I will not doubt my success, anymore.

I will not expect to fall as I rise, just because rising feels so far from the ground.

I’m going to touch the sky!

This is farewell, and I’ve sealed it with a prayer and a mustard seed.

So then, goodbye, old friend.

And good riddance!

More than a conqueror,

Dusty

“Unless we learn to know ourselves, we run the danger of destroying ourselves.” 
― Ja A. Jahannes, WordSong Poets

“So I forgive what was taken from me/ I will be free from the picture you paint you see / Tell them ‘these troubles are out of your hands’/ Tell them ‘you’re free to use them to clap and dance.’” – Seinabo Sey, Pretend

When I should have been studying

I rushed to the balcony’s doors as they were flung open by a gust of wind. Rain poured in before I could make it there. It’s not even a balcony. It’s half a balcony. Besides the fact that I felt like I was in a stormy and dark scene from Wuthering Heights, I didn’t mind having to get out of bed so late in the night. I wasn’t asleep anyway, I was up thinking about, among other things, exam time. A period when you get panicky, hands sweaty and emotions all helter-skelter. Or maybe you become like me: cursed with a short attention span where everything academic is concerned, and itching with a desire to procrastinate. ADD and insomnia are the curse of the imaginative. I’m losing sleep trying to get the words out of me. Like I’ve said before, they’ve just been waiting to be birthed and shared. I’ve tried to keep my mind focused but whenever it all got too boring for me, the Words came rushing in, demanding to dance on paper.

 During the buzz of our lives, we’re moving too fast for anything good to emerge from our creative genius. If anything comes along, it could always have been better had it been given time to be nursed.

 Mary Wollstonecraft, in her Letters Written in Sweden, Denmark and Norway, writes that the pursuit of material goods and commercial success narrows down our capacity for imagination. We’re so busy trying to become citizens who can compete successfully in the capitalist system that we stifle the growth of our minds. Imagination enables us to empathise with others, among many things, and empathy connects us to our humanity, our morality. We’ve been so busy living our own lives that we have not made time for other people. Selfishness and self-centeredness are ugly monsters who feed off of the ignorance we enjoy in the name of bliss. God called it “perishing for a lack of knowledge”.

A creative BEAST I know from church, mentioned that she’s been experiencing more or less the same thing (Phew, I’m not alone! It’s safe to come out now.). She’s supposed to be studying, and then suddenly all sorts of creative ideas come to her. Inspiration in the time of exams. She put it down to the pace of that period. See, when we’re still, imagination has free reign. Those naughty little critters, ideas, run around like motherless children imitating leprechauns (or tokoloshes!). I’m that baggy-eyed girl with the lopsided afro who can’t stop the ideas (this sounds better than saying ‘voices’, I hope) in her head from shouting. It’s not my fault Words don’t behave! Who put them in my kop?!  

 I dream of being able to divide my year into half: six months writing full-time and the other six travelling. Of course I’ll be writing while I travel, but six months is set aside for a creative period of as little interruption as possible. We should be able to choose the terms by which we live our own lives, but there are forces working against us, to harm us, to stop us from realising our dreams. But we are not ignorant of the Old Fiend’s designs. No. We fight his tyranny as best we can, and give the remainder over to God. One thing we must not do, is stand in our own way!

So when I should have been studying, I was reading novels, convincing myself that it’s a deposit into my future as a published writer.

That day I was cooking, throwing together anything I could find and challenging myself to make meals out of nothing.

I blame my friends! 🙂

When I should have been studying, I was hanging with friends, making our bond stronger, I hope.

I was connecting with my Man JC (Jesus Christ), getting in touch with the Source of my being and drinking in His Love.

When I should have been studying, I was writing this blog, sharing a piece of myself with you.

This creative procrastination had better pay off.

 

 

Kisses,

Dusty Soul

 “Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” – Albert Einstein